When you work at a tech company like I do, there are certain unspoken rules: 1. You must have a deep appreciation for Middle Earth. 2. You must totally get why the Star Wars franchise has grossed more than $7.5 billion dollars worldwide at the box office. 3. And you must watch Game of Thrones.
I plead the fifth when it comes to the first two, but I’ve got to say that I’m really thankful for my Game of Thrones-junkie co-workers who pushed me to watch this incredible show. However, we just have one issue with it. Through our work at Rocket Matter, we deal with lawyers all the time. One thing that has really stood out to us: If only the world of Game of Thrones had lawyers, life there would be a heck of a lot easier.
So, we came up with a list of the top ten types of lawyers that the Game of Thrones world really need: (Warning: Spoilers for the first six seasons ahead. Seriously, catch up!)
Criminal Defense Attorneys
In season 4, Tyrion was accused of killing King Joffrey. The trial was totally fixed…his dad (who had it out for him) was a judge and all the witnesses are his former enemies or people paid off by his father and manipulative sister. Tyrion knew he didn’t stand a chance, so he demanded a trial by combat. He could have really used a defense attorney. Poor Tyrion. (And seriously, poor Oberyn who stood in for him in combat and had his brain crushed through his eyeballs.)
Remember when several members of the Night’s Watch greeted Jon Snow with a sign that said “Traitor” and then stabbed him to death? NOT. COOL. But now that Jon’s “alive,” it would be nice if he could find a civil litigator and file a defamation suit against his former friends. Because he’s not a traitor. He’s Jon Snow. And he’s awesome.
You know how Al Capone finally went to prison for tax evasion, not for the many people he killed? Well, if there were lawyers in Westeros, Cersei would probably share a similar fate. She wouldn’t go down for totally destroying the Great Sept of Baelor and murdering hundreds of people. She wouldn’t go down having the nun Septa Unella (you know, the “shame” nun) tortured by Franken-Mountain. She’d go down when someone (hmm, maybe Tyrion) exposed her incestuous relationship with their other brother, Jamie. Rules on incest vary by country and by state, but in some places it’s prison for life. Nice!
Personal Injury Lawyers
So there’s this wedding at the Frey’s castle, and guests arrive thinking they’re in for a great night. Dancing. Booze. A great feast. And then half of them are killed. Sounds like someone from the Tully or Stark family needs to get a personal injury attorney and file a wrongful death suit. Because there were a lot of wrongful deaths.
Many of Varys’ Little Birds, his network of spies, are children. They are sent all over the world to gather information and secrets and do his dirty work. Also, under Qyburns’ control, they even kill Grand Maester Pycelle and helped torch the Great Sept of Baelor. However, there was never any mention of payment other than sweets. Westeros clearly needs to get some child labor laws and employment lawyers. These kids are working hard!
Workers’ Comp Attorneys
It’s bad enough that Arya gets beaten and tormented over and over again by the waif while working for the Man with No Face. But then he blinds her! If ever there were a more perfect case for worker’s comp, this might be it.
Sansa needs a good divorce attorney. Poor girl gets tossed from one marriage to another with never a word about an annulment or divorce. And, if she’s going to get married again, can we please find her a decent non-psychotic husband? (While we’re at it, let’s also get her a restraining order against Littlefinger. That dude is nothing but trouble.)
Animal Rights Attorneys
It’s not just the people of Westeros that need legal representation. What about those poor direwolves? First, Sansa’s direwolf, Lady, is killed in place of Nymeria for biting Joffrey (Go Nymeria, by the way). Shaggydog was killed by the Umbers and then supposedly skinned by Ramsey. And let’s totally try to forget when GreyWind was killed with cross bows during the Red Wedding and then his head was sewn onto Robb Stark’s body. Westeros has got to get some animal rights attorneys to protect these creatures. Maybe the Animal League Defense Fund can help out?
Intellectual Property Lawyers
The Alchemists’ Guild really needs to get in touch with an intellectual property lawyer and get a patent on wildfire stat. That was their highly flammable green liquid that Cersei used to destroy the Great Sept of Baelor. It’s so volatile that, clearly, it can cause a lot of damage. If other psychopaths want to use it to take over the world, they should at least pay for it!
If only there were environmental lawyers in Westeros! Someone could have protected the Children of the Forest when the humans were cutting down their sacred trees. Then, they wouldn’t have had to retaliate by plunging dragon glass into a human’s heart to create the White Walkers who, in turn, became weapons against the humans themselves. A lawyer could have protected their sacred land, and then winter would never come.